7.25.02

So, I went to Kansas last weekend. No, seriously, Lawrence, Kansas. Why? I don’t really know. It was a random, spur of the moment phone call from JK on Thursday night saying that this was going to be his last chance for a while to go visit some friends of his that went to school at Kansas University and wanted to know if I would like to join him. I figured out how much money I was going to have to pay out in bills (more than I’d like, I tell you), but decided I could hit the road with him. And next thing you know, Friday night we’re in Kansas.

Let me back up for a second. First of all – the drive to Kansas from O’Fallon is probably the most boring stretch of landscape on the Interstate system. Thank God the people who live along that stretch are some interesting folks, though. Who honestly thinks, “Ya know what I should do? Start a business called ‘Nostalgiaville, USA’ where people can buy all kinds of unofficially licensed crap with pop culture icons like Elvis, Betty Boop and Scooby Doo emblazoned all over it.” And if it wasn’t “Nostalgiaville”, it was “Boomtown Fireworks Warehouse” where you could get “6 for one” (why don’t they just use the number 1?) fireworks and a free box of Black Cat bottle rockets with your purchase. Did I mention that at “Boomtown Fireworks Warehouse” you could also get the best price on discount cigarettes? I think “Boomtown Fireworks Warehouse” has to be listed as one of the most dangerous buildings in the Western hemisphere.

And you know how you mysteriously lose a sock in the dryer every once in a while? Well, when billboards get lost in the dryer, they end up on I-70 between Wentzville, MO and Kansas City, MO. I saw billboards that were for businesses in Sikeston, MO. Sikeston is about three hours south of St. Louis on I-57. Why would someone traveling on I-70, about two hours west of St. Louis, care about a restaurant in a town at least five hours away on a completely different interstate? I don’t care if the restaurant does have “throwed rolls”, there’s still no reason to advertise it here. And for the love of God, will someone please tell me just what the hell is so special about a walnut bowl? Are they such hot items that there needs to be a billboard every 20 feet exclaiming that the walnut bowl outlet is coming up on your right in about 100 miles? I wish I were kidding about this, but they were telling us about the walnut bowl outlet at least this far away. Sadly, we were pressed for time, so the walnut bowl mystery will have to remain just that.

The first thing we did in Kansas was go to the apartment of the people we were staying with – Mike and Danielle. We had a few beers, JK and I grabbed some BK (wow, it had been a long time since I’d had a fast food burger), and we headed out to a party hosted by one of Mike and Danielle’s friends. For a few hours we hung out in a backyard that would make Tarzan feel right at home, around stoned college kids who kept asking me for hits off my pipe thinking I had some good-smelling weed in there or something, and drank beer from Mike’s backpack. I tell ya, that is the best way to go to a party. Bring your own case in a backpack and you never have to leave your spot, never have to fight for your spot in line at the keg and never have to drink shitty beer. The only downside is you do eventually have to move so you can pee. Plus you know when it’s time to go home – when your own beer is gone. After talking to people who weren’t alive to hear Debbie Gibson’s “Lost in Your Eyes” for a few hours, our beer supply was depleted and we went to a bar called “Louise’s” in downtown Lawrence.

Downtown Lawrence is actually really nice. Tons of shops and bars line nice little small-town feeling streets. Very cool place. Louise’s was a shitty little bar with no clearly marked bathrooms that served beers in big glasses they called “schooners”. Sadly, JK and I didn’t see these schooners until after we’d ordered bottles of beer or else we surely would have had one of those instead. There was an upstairs to Louise’s, which I briefly ran to check out and found it was the quieter version of the downstairs, meaning I quickly ran back downstairs to join our group. Overall, not that special of a place, but at the same time, I was in Kansas, so what do I care?

After Louise’s, we went back to Mike and Danielle’s, had a few more beers and ate some frozen pizzas. Soon after, we all hit the sack, with JK deciding (or rather, forced by his own drunkenness) to sleep on the floor. I was lucky enough to get a bed in a bedroom with two computers that were on 24/7, so while I got a bed, it was like sleeping in a sauna. But, hey, it was free lodging, so I still can’t complain.

The next morning, Mike had to go work at the Gateway store where he sold computers, and the rest of us got up to meet him for lunch at Subway. After that, JK, Danielle and I hit the beautiful (and I’m not being sarcastic there, it really was nice) campus of Kansas University so JK and I could get a little sightseeing in. We then ran by a liquor store to pick up provisions for the night ahead and went back to the apartment where we grew roots on the sofa, all fell asleep at some point, watched about four hours of MTV’s Sorority Life (snotty, whiny bitches) and then bits and pieces of Austin Powers 2.

The Gateway store was especially slow that day, so Mike was able to come home and spend some time with us, but again, all we did was sit around and watch TV. It was awfully hot and humid outside and none of us really felt like braving the heat, so inside was the destination for the day. Boring? Hell yeah. Comfortable? Hell yeah.

Mike had to go back and close up the shop later that night, so we literally sat around the apartment from about 1:00 in the afternoon until 8:30. I swear to God I had no idea I could sit that long anymore. When Mike finally got home, we ran to a bar and grill called Henry T’s and ate some damn fine burgers while watching the Outdoor Games from Lake Placid on ESPN with some of Mike’s friends from work. After dinner, we simply went back to the apartment and worked on the beers we bought earlier that day while watching Dude, Where’s My Car and Pokemon movies. It was pretty surreal to say the least.

Around 3:00AM, the party began to wear down and a few of us went to bed – including me, as I was just absolutely beat. I guess JK, Mike and Jeff (Mike’s friend who hung out with us all weekend) hit the streets surrounding the apartment complex, looking for something to do, but came up empty-handed, so I’m glad I got the extra hour of sleep instead.

The next day, we all woke up, and went to IHOP for breakfast. Then JK and I went back to the apartment, got showered up and hit the road once again, heading back for lovely St. Louis, MO.

Now it’s not every road trip you get to see a monster truck on a stick or an old Amish couple driving a 1982 Crown Vic, so the trip home was pretty special. I didn’t think Amish people could drive cars? I know they can ride in them, but I thought driving was completely out of the question. Speaking of mortal sins, JK and I were very close to stopping at a roadside business out of purely morbid curiosity. There was a strip club/lingerie shop/sex toy/porn outlet store that was very appealing. Not because we necessarily needed an inflatable sheep (though my latest one doesn’t seem to want to hold air), but because we just had to know how scary of a place that would have to be. I mean, what exactly is a porn outlet store? How do you get factory defect porn? These were questions we needed answered – that is until we saw the lone semi truck in the parking lot and decided that whatever was inside was probably too creepy even for us. So, we drove right on past the porn outlet store and continued on home. Maybe next time…

So there you have it – the brief, random trip to Kansas. I will say one thing about Lawrence – what little I saw of it, it was a really nice town. The campus was absolutely beautiful with some great old buildings and it seemed to have all the amenities you look for in a larger city, so I could live there if I had to. And, don’t believe the hype – Kansas isn’t all flat. Lawrence is very hilly - much more so than anything we have in Illinois or even around the St. Louis area – but as I understand, things straighten out once you keep heading west. Regardless, that fact surprised me as I’d heard the opposite.

As you can imagine, that is by far the most interesting thing to happen to me since we last spoke (or I last spoke or…I’m all confused now), so I’ll let you go for this week. Hopefully this weekend will be fun, though also hopefully not as expensive and more productive. Going to see Austin Powers 3 on Friday with friends and then plan to spend the rest of the weekend writing. Should be a nice, fun, relaxing weekend.

Oh, check out The Boundry Friday for the last entry in our July O’ Horrors. Frankly, I think this is my best one yet this month and I’m going to submit it to a magazine Saturday along with one of the other recent stories and see if I can get one or both published. We’ll see.

Have a good weekend and don’t invest in WorldCom while I’m away.

Space Monkey X