7.02.01

Hey! Yes! I’m updating already!

Again, not much to talk about really, just wanted to give an update.

I finished the first draft of my spooky, X-Files-like story. I’m working on the edits right now. When I feel like I have it finished I’ll post it somewhere for you to check out.

Also in Space Monkey news, I’m going to be taking a few days off from work this week for a little mini-vacation. You have no idea how much I’m looking forward to this. Sadly, I have no money to really do anything fun with my vacation time, but it will at least give me time to work on some of these projects I’ve been kicking around for the last few weeks. I wish I could go home for a bit and see my family, but again, no money, no traveling. Eh, my dad’s probably busy in the field anyway.

Man, I’m kicking ass on this "little or no TV" thing. I have to admit, there have been times this week where I’ve sat in front of the TV while my roommate’s been watching. But my laptop is in front of me and I’ve only been occasionally looking up from it to see what’s going on; sort of a weaning process if you will. My main problem is I just don’t have any other chair but my easy chair that’s comfortable. Oddly, I’ve been thinking about a beanbag as of late that would be good for writing and reading. Still might do that.

Saw A.I. last week. Can’t decide if I like it or not, so I’m going to have to go see it again this weekend at a matinee showing. Or, hell, I’ll go see it Thursday afternoon when I’m on vacation! Hehe. Damn, this is gonna be so sweet.

Ok, I have a gripe I can talk about. I’ve been thinking of this for a while now, but I just remembered about it. Not to sound too much like Jerry Seinfeld, but "What is the deal with novelty mailboxes?" I can see having your name somehow painted on the side or a little plaque with your name or something; that makes sense to let visitors and, God forbid, paramedics know where you live. But it’s those people who have huge, plastic large-mouthed bass in place of their box, or if they’re firefighters they’ll have a little fire engine, or if they like cars the box will be painted with flames like you’d find on a hot rod, those are the people I’m talking about.

I can understand someone looking at your house and judging the book by the cover, but is there anyone in this world who looks at a mailbox and says "Ya know, the people who live here must be a great human beings; probably loyal, honest, morally straight and dependable. I mean, what other kind of person would have a a mailbox that’s made to look like a duck?" It’s a mailbox, for God’s sake, people! Who gives a shit what it looks like!? Any type of recepticle could replace it.

For example, you could nail a five gallon bucket to a post and it would work just as well; probably better because the mailman could fit those over-sized packages in there and not have to get out and leave it on your doorstep. Other substitutions might include: a cardboard box (sure, it wouldn’t hold up in the rain, but cardboard boxes are pretty cheap and easy to replace); paper can be folded in the style of the ancient Japanese art of origami into a worthy mailbox (see cardboard box for pros and cons); a box made of Legos (resists water, looks cool, and can easily be rebuilt when those little bastards come by and bash it with a baseball bat); or if you just have to impress your neighbors with the design, cut the end off a two-liter bottle of Pepsi and nail it to the post (water resistant, pretty big opening for those big packages, it’s colorful and you can flaunt your family’s higher standard in choosing carbonated beverages over those losers who drink Shasta that live next door).

But then this isn’t really about functionality now, is it? No, this is yet another asinine way that average Americans feel the need to somehow express themselves in the most idiotic fashion possible. The people who have these kinds of mailboxes are like all those people who dress up like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, and claim to be "original". They’re the idiots who still think, "Who Let the Dogs Out?" is cool (or ever was, for that matter). They’re the ones who paid good money to see "Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo". They are the lowest common denominator, those who think that because they have a semi-trailer mailbox that they are somehow clever and better than their neighbors.

And when did mailboxes become status symbols? It’s a box. It holds your mail. How can this be in the same playing field as a $50,000 BMW? Or is it because those who can’t afford the $50,000 BMW need something to make them feel superior from those in their hood? And then how sad is that?

Then there are the people who take the time to build the novelty mailbox themselves. They are at least bordering on acceptable. It will still suck because you actually took the time out of your life to conceive, design, and build it, when you could have been doing something else - like spending time with your kids, reading a book, or building something useful out of those same pieces of wood; but at least you didn’t grab it off the shelf at Farm and Fleet.

I’ve done a little online research and now it’s official - if you spend the money I’ve seen listed for novelty mailboxes, you are an idiot. Some are as low as $100, and though they are about the same price as a plain mailbox, they are quite possibly the most visually offensive things I’ve ever seen. The average price is between $225 and $450, still way too much to spend for something that has no reason to exist. However, there are some out there that go for as much as $875! For a mailbox! A stupid mailbox! What the hell is wrong with you people? Oh, I see, you don’t have anywhere else to spend your money, but you would like to go out everyday and retrieve your cable bill from the hinged ass of a pink flamingo.

Let’s see, what better way could you spend $875? Buy your way into heaven by donating it to your local church! Buy season tickets to the opera for you and your wife! Go on a pretty decent vacation to somewhere you’ve never been! Buy a month’s worth of meals for some kids in Zimbabwe (You can help for only pennies a day just by calling this 800#)! Sponsor a little league baseball team, paying for all the uniforms, equipment, and after-game pizza parties for the whole season! Take a class at your local Community College or YMCA! Donate it to finding the cure for the disease of your choice! Buy art supplies for your local high school! Give it to a battered woman shelter! Give it to a soup kitchen! Donate it to a community theatre production! Buy educational materials for a daycare center! Buy a new computer for your local library! If none of these ideas suit you, and you simply can’t find any other way to spend that $875 that’s burning a hole in your pocket, I would happily take it off your hands for you.

Ya know, all my rantings about social conscience and bettering yourself aside, you’re going to spend $875, $450, or even a paltry $100 on a mailbox and all that’s going to happen is some kid is going to come along and bash it in with a baseball bat. Let’s face it, folks, your money is better spent elsewhere; so get the cheapest thing you can find whether it defines you as a person or not.

Ok, I think I’ve made my point today. Just a strange little rant that I just had to get off my chest. Thanks for listening.

Space Monkey