5.2.01

Holy shit. Been too long again. I've been meaning to write, but I've been busy. By the way, if you go to the archives you'll notice that I have created a second page of old entries starting with the 4.27.01 entry. Figure it will be a little nicer to split these up on a regular basis (2 months seems like a good amount of time). Anyway, I was thinking today about some things that I thought I'd share with you.

The main thing that ran across my mind today was "What constitutes being a man?" I mean, I'm 26 years old and to paraphrase Jack from Fight Club, "I'm a 26-year old boy." At least I think I am; I feel like I am. Then I got to thinking, "Do men who seem like men feel like they're men? Or are they just as oblivious as I am?"

I've had this conversation before with a friend of mine when a mutual friend of ours was the first one from our core group of high school guys to get married and have a kid (though not necessarily in that particular order). At the time I thought that being a man was living on your own and taking responsibility for your own life. Well, I haven't lived with my parents since 1995 (and that was only for the summer) and I've been paying my own bills ever since. I'm making almost double what I was back in 1995, granted I have a lot more bills then I did then, but I get by. So by my old definition I am a man.

But that old definition seems to be too narrow-minded now. I could say that I'm an adult, I guess, but even that seems a bit far- fetched at times. I think one of my main problems is that I am still interested in "immature" things. I still listen to Papa Roach, Metallica, hell, I'm going to see Green Day in a little over a month (can't fucking wait, btw). I can tell you all about most of the major movies coming out this summer. Sitting next to my monitor are action figures of Cobra Commander and The Baroness - I don't act out little battles or porno scenes with them, they're just sitting there looking cool. But is that the problem? Am I clinging to my youth?

I'd say the answer is "yes", however, whenever someone, especially the women-folk, talk about men they always comment on how men are so immature and act like little boys. Granted, they don't necessarily have action figures on their desk, but every man I've ever known still acts like he's 17 half the time. I mean, my Dad is a man - he's seen two children and a wife die, he works 16 hour days while farming, and is still constantly doing something around the farm even in the winter - yet he has an MG convertible, numerous silly little computer games, and I can guarantee that if someone got him a Playstation 2 he'd be on that thing for hours at time.

Ya know...that just made me realize what a man is. A man is a boy who has been through the pit of his own personal hell, faced it head-on, and come out the other side with a better understanding of himself. Now I'm not talking about "having to work overtime on a Saturday" pit of hell - I'm saying he's had to struggle through something that was a life-altering experience for him. Something that, when it was all over and the dust had settled, he was changed in some way, stronger than he was before.

Back to my friend, the first one who got married and had kids, I don't necessarily think that makes him a man. Sure, he is partially responsible for another human life, but to quote Furious Styles from Boyz 'N the Hood "Any fool with a dick can make a baby, but only a real man can raise his children." I'm not saying that this friend of mine is NOT a man, I'm just saying that having kids does not automatically qualify him as a man despite the fact that it is a life-altering experience. Again, anyone can have a child and I think anyone can be a good Dad; but that doesn't necessarily make him a man because he puts food on the table.

My Dad, on the other hand, had a child who died while still an infant. Now THIS is hardship; this is struggle. When my parents had a second baby and it too passed away as an infant, this was like adding rebar to the wall that was my Dad's soul. And when he actually had the two boys' bodies exhumed and personally dug their graves himself in the hometown cemetary he and my Mom bought plots in, that wall became 12-foot thick titanium. When he had to watch my Mom succumb to the cancer that was eating away at her - you can add another 12 feet to that fucking wall. I can only hope that when the time comes, God sees it fit to allow his parents to pass from this earth in peace. Not just for their sake, but for my father's. I just hope that one of us kids or his grandkids don't go first.

My Dad is a man above all other men. He worked hard in the fields to put food on the table, he raised us kids right even though we sometimes make stupid decisions in life, and he's seen more hardship than most men are able to bear in their lifetimes - and he's not even old enough to retire yet.

I could have had this man-creating experience when my Mom died. Instead, admittedly, I chose to lose my self-esteem, gain weight, become pissed off at the world, had animocity towards my Dad for dating so soon afterwards, I lost a lot of touch with reality, and it's been so traumatic that I've virtually blocked out much of the experience. I missed my first chance. It's not that I hope someone else in my life gets sick and dies on me just so I can get my chance to prove myself - God no - but looking back on the whole situation I really wish I had been strong enough to step up to the plate, take the bull by the horns, roll with the punches, and use a few more cliches. I think you get my point. It was a test for me as a person and, frankly, I did better on Spanish tests in high school.

But, I don't think that will be it for me. I almost feel like I'm sort of going through one of these life-altering changes as we speak. This whole Space Monkey adventure has influenced me greatly. I really feel like it's me coming out of my shell. It's making me realize what's important in life - it's making me realize all the things I should have learned when my Mom died, but apparently wasn't ready to. I didn't know myself back then. I was very confused about who I was and who I wanted to be and that blow to my wall brought it crumbling down.

Now, after the last year or so, I feel like I have a better understanding of who I am and I'm beginning to rebuild. Right now I'm putting down that first layer of bricks. Obviously I still have some engineering issues to resolve, but I'm working on them every day. However, I don't want to ever complete building my wall; I'd like to just keep adding layers upon layers to it. Because, if you do figure out who you are and stop looking, then you might as well just drop dead right there because you're no good to anyone anymore - least of all yourself.

Alright. Enough deep thinking for tonight, kids. Space Monkey's gotta get some sleep. We'll chat sometime again soon.

Space Monkey