12.12.01

*sighhhhh*

After a year of being stuck in my "foot in the door" job, I've decided it's time to make a move. It seemed like everytime I made a step forward to maybe moving into that better job, my new boss pulled me back three steps into my current job. The GIS stuff I was doing at work - that's been yanked from under me. I'm supposed to be getting a new website to design - I have a bad feeling that's going to get yanked from under me before I even start. All just so I can make the new boss look good. So, I've had enough. Wish me luck as I hit the job market again.

The thing that's really making my life miserable this year is the damned Illini football team. Thanks to them doing so well this season, they're going to a bowl game in New Orleans. I could really give a shit about the football game, what I really want to do is spend New Year's Eve in New Orleans with about 8 of my friends. However, I have too many bills I need to get paid to be able to go. I'm so stupid. Although I am disappointed and deeply depressed by my financial situation, there just isn't much I can do about it - so I'll have to learn to let it go and refuse to listen to my roommate when he comes back and tells me how great it was.

Ok, I have to admit something - it's been a really tough couple of weeks for the ol' Space Monkey. I'm having a tough time financially; my job is killing me with it's monotony of bullshit; I'm working out damn near every night, watching what I eat and I can't seem to lose any more than the 20 pounds I lost like two months ago; my Illinois license plates are expired and I really need to get my Missouri ones, but I now have to wait until January to do so, so every time I see a cop I worry he's going to pull me over for expired plates and that's going to get ten times worse when I go home for Christmas; did I mention I hate my job?; I'm working on three different websites projects, which is fun but can also be a bit harrowing; and one of my favorite bands decided to break up on Monday (The Urge in case you're interested). The only good thing in my life right now, the one thing that is not frustrating the living shit out of me, is my writing. And thank God for that.

I have a friend who is in a similar situation - he recently lost his job and is moving back home with his parents. He's undergoing the same things I did about a year ago - insomnia, tension, feeling of hopelessness, depression. He has an outlet - his music - but, much like I was, he just can't seem to get himself to work on it. Honestly, if I hadn't finally broken that barrier, I think I'd be in the same position he's in right now.

When I have time alone in my car now, the radio is rarely, if ever, on. The second I sit in that bucket seat and put the key in the ignition, all I'm thinking about are stories. When I'm watching West Wing or Simpsons, something will happen onscreen and suddenly I have a story idea based on it. Writing is my release. Storytelling is my release.

Do you have a release? You need one if you don't. If any of these symptoms sound familiar to you, find a way to exorcise them from your life for a few hours everyday. And trust me, folks, you're not going to find that "thing" by sitting in front of the TV all night. You'll only find your release by exploring yourself.

"You are not your job. You are not the contents of your wallet. You are not how much money you have in the bank. You are not your fucking khakis." - Tyler Durden, "Fight Club"

So, wish me luck over the coming weeks as I try not to go insane, try to keep sleeping regular hours at night, prevent myself from writing haikus, and do my best not to start punching myself and thinking it's someone else doing it.

Space Monkey X