11.11.02

I’ve been on this earth for twenty-seven years. As many of you know, I’ve had a pretty decent twenty-seventh year as I’ve made quite a few changes in my life for the better. And I’ve always been one of those people who, when someone asks how old I feel, I’m always able to say “20” or “21”, even though I haven’t been that age for quite some time. Well, that is until this last week.

Last Sunday I woke up late after a much-needed sleep-in lazy Sunday morning. I woke up around 10:30 and lay in bed reading or thinking until almost 1:30 in the afternoon. I used to have those Sundays every Sunday, but since I’ve started writing again, Sundays were usually my day to get out of bed and get some shit done. But for some reason I just decided to take it easy this day and enjoy a rest like I hadn’t had in a long time. And I was glad I did.

However, after my morning, I watched some TV and decided I’d better head to the office to get some writing done that day. When I stood up I felt a little dizzy. At first I thought, “Well, maybe I just stood up too fast.” So I blew it off, drove to the office and sat down at my computer. That was when I began to realize that my head was really bothering me. Basically, the best way to describe it is to say I was hung-over, but without the good time the night before. My head was sort of stuffy, painful, and every so often I’d get dizzy enough that I was on the brink of vomiting. Something was not right.

So after only an hour at the office and not being able to concentrate enough to get any writing done anyway, I went home and was back in bed by 3:30. I slept until 8:00 when I woke up just in time for The Sopranos. I was popping Ibuprofen with Pepto-Bismol shooters until well into early the next morning.

I was in this sort of hung-over condition for the next two days, missing both Monday and Tuesday of work, but finally returning on Wednesday. However, in the interim, Borders called me about working part-time there and my training was to start Tuesday night. I was feeling better by late Tuesday afternoon, so went to the training which consisted mostly of filling out paperwork and learning about the inner workings of the store. Little did I know they’d also have me come in Wednesday and Thursday evenings from 5:00 – 11:00PM for some pretty intense register training. By Friday, my first night off from Borders, I was ready to just fall into bed and sleep the rest of the weekend, but had to do some work on the Film Club site, so didn’t get home until about 12:30.

Sadly, I had to work at Borders Saturday from 9-6PM and then Sunday from 1-10PM. Today is Veteran’s Day and, thankfully, I have the day off from both my jobs and couldn’t be happier. Granted, I’m currently sitting in my office working on the Film Club site again (as well as writing this entry), so it’s not like I’m really taking that much of a day off.

What’s the point of all this? This is the week that I will forever remember as when I realized how old I was. All week I had dark circles under my eyes. This is the first time I’d ever noticed that I’m getting smile lines around my eyes. This is the first time I’ve ever noticed how much my body is unable to take this kind of constant battering. This is the week I will remember as when my answer to the question “How old do you feel?” changed.

Do you have any idea how depressing that is? Surely some of you do, but other folks my age won’t really be able to appreciate it just yet, perhaps.

When I was in college, I was working Foot Locker during the day and then after that I went to a graveyard shift job at Bell Helmet in Rantoul. I slept from 6AM – 1PM when I’d have to wake up, get a shower and be at Foot Locker by 3:00 to do it all over again. Not to mention the long weekend shifts at Foot Locker, generally from 12-9:00. And I still found the energy to go out every once in a while.

Now I’m sitting here feeling like the only reason I’m staying at Borders is because I made a commitment to them to work through the holidays. Sure, I could quit and just never use Borders on my resume (which I probably wouldn’t have anyway), but I feel like I’ve made this commitment and I should at least see it through. Besides, the extra money around the holidays will be a godsend (as will the 33% discount).

However, just as I was expecting, with the second job at Borders my time away from work has become even more precious. Unless I’m absolutely drained of energy (Saturday night, for example), I can’t stand the idea of just sitting around. I’m already working on some new short story ideas and it’s really making me think seriously about the stuff I’ve been writing, about finding my voice and working with it. This has changed my entire perspective on writing and making me realize that, ever since I shut down The Boundry (and actually, before that, really), I’ve been farting around. I’ve been doing the equivalent of all those “I swear I’m gonna cut back” diets that I attempted for all those years. And now it’s time to get serious. Just as it was time to start bringing my lunch to work, hitting the gym and starting to drink diet pop, I have to get serious about writing.

Luckily, I ran into some of my old classmates from my creative writing class. They told me they still get together at Borders once a week and invited me to join them. So, now if I’m not working at Borders, I might be going there anyway to hang out with them. I’m pretty excited about it, really.

So that’s been my week. A time of discovery about my body and mind’s limitations and my soul’s desire to get onto a different path than it’s currently on. I’m still trying to decide if this is all a good thing or a bad, but I guess only time will tell.

Space Monkey X