These guys are my new heroes.

What they do is a little hard to explain. Sometimes they pull harmless pranks. Sometimes they organize strange events. Whatever they do, they make it happen on a pretty large scale or in very public places.

For example, they got 600 people to download an MP3 and meet up in Central Park with their iPods. They were separated by the season they were born and then followed along with the voice of the person on the MP3 they downloaded, acting things out, going where the voice told them to go, all in utter silence because they’re listening to their iPods. Eventually all four groups met in a central location – all 600 of them – and then made a huge congo line through the park. Imagine this scene and how much fun it would be to participate.

I love the creativity and the idea that they are giving people experiences that they can retell for the rest of their lives. Who wouldn’t remember taking part in a 600-person conga line in Central Park? That’s something you’d tell your grandkids someday.

Anyway, check out Improv Everywhere. Read about their “Missions” and give yourself yet another reason to wish you lived in NYC.

Monday night at the weekly meeting of my writing-circle-that-no-longer-writes, one of the members told us about her early-20′s son who is leaving the nest for the first time. He’s not messing around either as he’s moving to Arizona to live with a buddy of his. She mentioned that she was thinking about writing a letter to her son, Paul, giving him some words of wisdom and support. Instantly I thought this would be a good opportunity for me and the other member of the circle, Ken, to also write a letter to Paul giving him advice from a guy’s point of view.

So I finished my letter today over lunch and thought I’d share it with you all just in case you know of a young man setting out to conquer the world on his own for the first time as well. Besides, it was pretty fun to write, which for me is a rarity these days.

Feel free to comment if you have any additional advice for our young Paul. I could have gone on for days with this list, but figured 3 pages was probably long enough.

Enjoy!

——————–

Paul,

You’re probably wondering who I am and why the hell I’m writing you a letter. Well, I’m the youngest member of the writing circle your mom has been attending for about four years now. You and I met once at Cuppa Joe, actually. I’m sure the meeting had a profound impact on you.

Anyway, when I heard that your mom was going to write you a letter served with a slice of advice and a scoop of sentimentality before you left for Arizona, I thought it might be good for you to get some real advice from a guy who has been in the same position you are right now. While it was about ten years ago when I first moved out of the house, it wasn’t that long ago that I was a flat broke bachelor just trying to get by. I’m still just a flat broke guy trying to get by, but now I’m engaged, have two car payments, a mortgage and a 401k.

Obviously you can take or leave as much of this advice as you want. It’s not like I’m ever gonna know either way, but maybe you’ll find some of it helpful.

• There are three things you need to survive: A job; a place to live while you’re not at work; and a way to get to work (Bike, car, motorcycle, Segway, etc.). So pay rent and your car payment first and foremost because they are the most important things in your life. Don’t worry, you’ll find money for beer, food and Xbox games even if you have to sell some not-so-vital organs to get it. Sure, you might have to take a weekend off from hitting the bars after that rent payment is due, but the last thing you want is to get evicted from an apartment. Getting evicted makes it damn hard to find another place to live. And in Arizona, I’m sure it’s not fun to be homeless what with the scorpions and all.

• The key to success in bachelorhood is to maintain a well-stocked Spaghetti Reserve Corps (also known as The SRC). The SRC is nothing more than boxes of spaghetti and jars of sauce that sit in your cupboard at all times. These foods have long shelf lives, so they’ll always be available when you spent too much at the clubs last weekend and its four days before payday. Seriously, this will be a life saver. As an added bonus, take a piece of bread, throw it in the toaster, then slather it with butter and garlic powder for some ghetto garlic bread to complete your SRC meals.

• Just because she says she’s 18, doesn’t mean she is. Better to not get laid one night than to have to introduce yourself to your neighbors for the rest of your life because state law requires you to. If she’s over 18, refer to the next tip.

• Just because she says she’s on The Pill, doesn’t mean she is. There’s no better way to ruin a good party than to have to stop and warm up a bottle.

• Credit cards are evil. I realize that digging yourself into debt and putting a huge blemish on your credit report seems to be a rite of passage these days, so this one isn’t so much a suggestion as much as it is a statement that you’ll one day agree with. Trust me.

• Keep a piggy bank. Ok, it doesn’t have to be an actual piggy bank, but keep your loose change in a jar of some kind. You have no idea how much this will come in handy for laundry, food, beer, and strippers (although you might want to hit a CoinStar machine beforehand because it’s hard to keep nickels in a g-string)

• Don’t buy red clothes. Red’s the color most likely to bleed in the wash and, let’s face it, no young guy actually separates his whites and his darks. Better to not wear red than to wear pink socks.

• Don’t buy anything that you don’t want destroyed. Don’t go out and spend $1000 on a couch. It’s going to get ruined by beer spills, cigarette burns, and various bodily fluids whenever you guys have a party. Hit CraigsList or the local thrift store and pick up a $50 couch that looks clean. Chances are it’s not actually clean, but whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

• On a similar note, if your current place doesn’t have W/D hook-ups, make sure your next place does. Find a free washer and dryer on CraigsList or a cheap set at a local refurb shop. You’ll sweat your ass off hauling them up to your fourth floor apartment, but it’ll be worth every ounce of perspiration to be able to do your laundry whenever you need it.

• Clean up the place once a week. Unless you’re having a party Saturday, leave the dishes in the sink, leave the empty beer cans on the coffee table, and deal with it all on Sunday evening when the weekend is winding down anyway. But do choose at least one day to clean up. You’ll have bugs year-round out there in Arizona, so you want to keep the place semi-sanitized.

• Buy posters of scantily-clad supermodels and plaster your walls with them. This’ll be the last chance you have to do so before you’re labeled “immature”, “creepy”, or “just plain sad” by every woman you bring home.

• Take pictures/video of you and your friends. Document parties, trips, concerts, even run of the mill nights on the town. I have a video from a party we threw many moons ago and it’s still fun to pop in the VCR from time to time. Plus you never know when those incriminating pictures of “Pothead Bill” will come in handy after he becomes Senator William Masters, Republican from New Hampshire.

• If you want to meet women, remember your Cub Scout training and “Be Prepared”. To do so, carry three things with you at all times: a Swiss Army knife, a pen, and a lighter. The Swiss Army knife will come in handy when a random woman in a bar chips a nail and needs a file; when another woman wants the stupid “Over 21” wrist band cut off after an all-day festival concert; plus you can use the toothpick to dig the spinach out of your teeth on a first date. The pen comes in handy when she’s giving you her number. And even if you don’t smoke, someone will inevitably ask if you have a light. All of these are great ways to start conversation without being creepy. Besides, chicks dig a handy guy.

• Don’t be afraid to try new things. You’re moving to a completely different environment and a completely different culture. I’m not from Missouri, so I’d never heard of “Washers” or “Floating” or anything these rednecks do that, with an open mind, can actually be pretty fun. So allow yourself to change and experience new things even if at first they sound pretty lame.

• Horde condiment packages from McDonald’s and Taco Bell. As one of my buddies has said many times before, “On the Thursday before payday, nothing beats a cheese and Fire sauce sandwich.” Plus you’ll want them around to create a semi-recognizable flavor instead of the unholy taste catastrophe that the Ramen package claims it’s supposed to be.

• Learn to drink cheap beer. Alternatively, learn where the best keg parties are held so you can drink good beer for only $2 at the door.

• Don’t be afraid to switch jobs. I started out at Circuit City selling computers. Somehow I got into advertising and internet consulting. Then I took a huge step back from that world and wound up writing tickets to people who wouldn’t cut their lawns. But thanks to that job, I discovered a whole new field that I never knew existed, and now I’m doing something that I actually enjoy and want to pursue as a career. It took me a while, but I found the thing that makes me happy. I know you’re into bikes and if that works out for you, consider yourself lucky. If it doesn’t, though, take a shot with something new and see what it develops into. And if that doesn’t work out, find something else. However, refer to the first thing I said, “There are three things you need to survive: A job; a place to live while you’re not at work; and a way to get to work.” As long as you have those three things, you’re gonna be just fine.

I’m sure I can think of a million other things given the time, but you’ve probably stopped reading this already, so we’ll just consider this list a good jumping off point to help you avoid some of the greater pitfalls of bachelorhood.

Now let me close by saying that I envy you, Paul. I didn’t move far enough away from home. I should have struck out across the country like you are now and blazed my own path. Instead, I took the safe route and wound up only a few hours from my hometown. Granted, some great things have happened for me since I moved to Missouri – some life-changing, wonderful things – but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have any regrets. Nothing says you’ll never live in the St. Louis-area again, but, unlike so many people here, you can at least say you lived somewhere else, too.

Finally (I swear this is it), remember, there’s nothing more important in life than experiences. Keep that in mind as you wander the deserts of Arizona, finding your own way. And maybe someday you’ll write some young bachelor your own list of do’s and don’ts.

Congratulations and good luck.

P.S. Your mom would kill me if I didn’t also mention that you should call her every once in a while. Emails don’t cut it, unfortunately. Moms have this inherent need to hear your voice sometimes. Yeah, it doesn’t make any sense to me, either.

Well, as I expected, I didn’t make it into the class I wanted. I was four questions shy. Which, considering how much I remembered in two days worth of studying, makes the temptation pretty strong to keep going for the next two weeks and try the test again on August 9th. Maybe I can make up those four points, ya know? I’m going to talk to a counselor about getting signed up for the introductory math course now and if my score changes for the better on the 9th I’ll bump up to the one I need.

Not making it into the course I wanted is a pretty big deal, unfortunately. It means that this semester I’ll be taking six credit hours, paying for all six, but even if I got 100% on every test, quiz, and homework assignment of the math class, I’ll only get three credit hours for my English course. So, basically, this semester feels pretty worthless at the moment. Plus it means that I’ll need to go to school for at least one more semester than I had planned. I say “at least” because UMSL’s Fall semester night classes for English majors are pretty slim pickings. Meaning that I might have to actually take a semester off due to a lack of classes available at my grade level.

More importantly, all of this means that Andrea and I will be stuck here in Missouri for a little longer than we’d hoped. We have been considering a move after I finished with school next summer, expecting that me having two years of GIS experience would help us find a new home elsewhere. But now that might have to be pushed off for another few months or maybe even another year from when we were hoping.

But fret not. I’m going to talk to an advisor and see what I can do about taking the test again. Maybe a few more study sessions will help push me over the edge and into the class I need. If not, I’ll just have to chalk this one up to Fate and move on.

I took a half-day today so I could study before the math placement test this evening and have decided to take a couple of minutes to use the restroom and write this quick entry.

Unfortunately, I think it’s just too little, too late in this case. I’ve been going over the practice test that is available online and I’m not getting the necessary 50% score for me to be able to get into either of the classes I’m gunning for. Maybe it’s for the best that I take a preliminary course after all. It’s going to mean an additional semester of school, but it’s my own damn fault. I’ve had opportunities to take math before now and chickened out in order to take electives instead. You know what they say about hindsight…

So, wish me luck in a couple of hours when I walk into that room with my two #2 pencils. Maybe the test has changed since 2004 (that version is what they use as the practice test) and the numbers will fall in my favor. If not, I guess I’ll have learned a valuable lesson outside of the classroom, too.

I’ve been a geek since I was two years old when my parents bought me my first set of Star Wars action figures for Christmas. Over the years I’ve read comics (and still do get a few titles every month), played Dungeons and Dragons in Junior High, I still love knights and armors and damsels in distress, and even stayed up late to watch Dr. Who on PBS whenever my parents would allow. My interest in all of these things has waxed and waned over the years, but I won’t deny that there will always be a part of me who enjoys geeky things.

Last week in San Diego, geeks from all over the world converged at ComicCon, the biggest comic book convention on the planet. While comic books themselves are rapidly taking backstage to its cooler sibling movies, the con is still a huge deal among fans.

Of course one of the “highlights” of ComicCon are all of the people dressed up as their favorite comic book/movie character. I love Halloween, but I’ve never been one interested in dressing up on any other day of the year, so needless to say the people you are about to witness are as much a mystery to me as they probably will be to you. I’d love to know how this pasttime came to be. Who was the first accountant that thought, “I think I’ll dress up as a Klingon this weekend”? Then again…maybe I’d rather not know.

Anyway, as a tribute to all you geeks who really love your hobbies, I give you the Wired.com ComicCon costume gallery.

Enjoy and May the Force be with you…always.